Disclosing to children, adolescents and adult children
The coming-out process impacts every person within a family. For Women Partners families, the male has often had time to think about their same sex attraction/behaviours, before their female partner discovers or is told about this. When this occurs, if there are children involved, whether young, adolescents, or adults, a frequent question and worry is “Do we tell the children? If we tell them, how and what do we tell them?”
Let’s explore further what people disclose to their children, when, and how much information is shared, and why people disclose, which may help you feel more confident making the right decision for you and your family.
What has the greatest impact – same sex identity or relationship breakdown?
Research into children whose parents separated due to same sex attraction of either parent identifies that it was the relationship breakdown and the alterations to the family system that often occurred, that had the greatest impact (1). Additionally, the parents' ability to manage and reduce the impact on the child/ adolescent, including the essential role that the straight parent plays in helping make sense of the news, was very important (1). The views and beliefs of the heterosexual parent of same sex attraction is very important in helping children make sense of the disclosure, either in a positive or detrimental light (2). It is very easy for children to internalize the message of same sex attraction being “bad” and internalize this as “my dad is now bad” (2). To reduce harmful impacts on children and young people, adults need to keep their emotional needs separate from the children and prioritise supporting, protecting, and nurturing the family unit during the changes that will occur. The family system remains in need of support throughout the adjustment period, whatever that looks like for the individual family. This can include, and is beneficial for many families, to engage in family therapy.
Why disclose?
Children of parents who later identify as same sex attracted report feeling distressed at not being told about the parent’s sexuality, and that this was perceived as a lie, or a secret, which then impacted their relationship with their parent (1, 3,4). Fathers who told their children about their same sex attraction identified feeling closer to their children, a bond in their relationship, and helped maintain honest and transparent conversations with them (4). Fathers reported wanting to disclose their same sex attraction to the children to provide context of relationship breakdown and potential new romantic relationships with a male partner (5).
Safety
Children and young people need to know who knows information about their family, particularly if there is a likelihood of community conversation around the information. Children/young people often need support in identifying who is safe to disclose what is happening in their lives, whether that be relationship changes or changing sexual identity (2). Having safe people to talk about life changes is very important, but sometimes identifying who these safe people are requires adult guidance (2, 4). Children/young people should be kept safe from homophobia and biphobia, particularly when they are making sense of this news themselves. As much as possible, children/young people should be given autonomy of who they disclose to, and what information they disclose, in their friendships and peer network (4).
How to disclose?
Ideally, if safe to do so, both parents should be involved in the disclosure of the same sex attraction, as well as what this means for the family system. This ensures that everyone is on the same page, can answer any questions, and there are no secrets in the family (1,3). Adults who had their parents come out as same sex attracted when they were young spoke of the importance of having the same sex attracted parent make this disclosure to them and not hearing the information from someone else (1).
Different children need different ways of being when taking on new pieces of information. Some need time to process the information before having questions answered, some need time to talk and ask questions immediately, some need the conversation to be repeated several times as they make sense of it, other’s may need you to take the lead in organizing times to speak further, and others may want to have the control of when the subject is brought up again (6). You will know your child(ren)/young person best, and how to continue to be their supportive parent through this process. Some key fundamentals are – disclose with intention, don’t make this a rushed, ill-prepared conversation, take your time and allow space for however the reaction may be, understand that they are possibly processing what this means for them as well as you, and always reassure them that you love them unconditionally (3,6).
Coming out can occur multiple times, over children’s life stages, and over key moments that may impact them (6). When a family anticipates ongoing disclosure, it can help normalize this process for all (4). Some fathers disclosed openly and clearly, whilst others chose to make their disclosure more of an ongoing process. This can be when your relationship ends, when a new romantic partner is introduced, when they hit puberty, or when they start thinking about their sexuality and identity – many key stages may need a revisit to the topic. Maintaining open conversations, focusing on safety and respect for all, and prioritizing love and commitment to your children are always key. For more great information, read more here: https://familyequality.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/ComingOut.pdf
When to disclose?
Sexuality or relationship breakdown – which to disclose first? It is important to separate sexual identity from the relationship change that can occur after this discovery. It is important to help children/young people make sense of the family system changing, as it is important to help them make sense of their father’s changing sexuality/sexual identity. Whilst one can influence the likelihood of the other, it is important to keep the two separate, to help children process all that is occurring. As research has shown, family changes have the greatest impact on children/young people; therefore, prioritising this aspect in knowledge sharing is crucial (1). At a separate time, the knowledge of the changing sexuality can be shared.
What to disclose
In age-appropriate terms and knowledge, coming out can be about exploring your child's knowledge about friendship, attraction, romance, and relationships (6). Building on this conversation, as is appropriate, and exploring the importance of happiness and love as fundamental for all relationships (2). Having open and honest conversations and answering questions in a truthful, age-appropriate manner is key (3,4).
Younger Children
Some research has shown that younger children have been unfazed by the notion of same sex attraction, even when it is with their parents, and are more impacted by the changing family dynamics or relationships (4, 7). Younger children are still forming their understanding of romance and relationships and tend to be less binary in their ideas and beliefs, including heterosexual norms. In addition to this, due to their age, they have often been less exposed to the family dynamics, so if the parents are separated from an early age, and dad is outwardly gay/bisexual identifying, this is often their norm, and they do not have to undo a previous norm of a heterosexual relationship (1, 3).
Adolescents
However, when children approach adolescence, some children who have understood conceptually what it means to be gay or same sex attracted may begin to feel less comfortable or accepting of their parents’ same-sex orientation (7). As the use of the derogatory phrases such as “you’re so gay” are still so part of community rhetoric, what this slur means for their gay identifying parent can hit harder for adolescents (3). Particularly, some heterosexual adolescent males have become concerned about how their peers view their own masculinity in light of their father’s same sex attraction (3,5). Some adolescents have internalized homophobic attitudes and beliefs, and this can make disclosures and ongoing relationships with them a very challenging experience.
Adolescents have reported that they can experience shame, embarrassment, and do not want their peers to know about the same sex attraction of their parent (1). This shame could be hiding ‘the family secret’ with a delayed disclosure, or concern for their same sex attracted parent from perceived shame, stigma and homophobia(1). It is crucial to allow adolescents, in particular, the ability to choose how, when, and to whom they tell the story of their family of origin, and whether this includes the information of same sex attraction.
As adolescence is a time of greater understanding of sex, sexual attraction, romance, and relationships, some adolescents may also come out as LGBTIQ during their adolescence and parents may find themselves navigating the coming out process together(6).
Adult children
Adult children also benefit from having a disclosure made to them, and their reactions and responses can be similar to those of children/young people. In a research paper exploring adult reflections on growing up with a parent who came out as gay, a common theme was feeling angry at being lied to and not being told about the change in sexual identity (1). The study also suggested that the earlier a disclosure of sexuality changes is made, the less impactful it can be(1). Adults reflected on the challenges of being an adolescent and having a gay parent, with the stigma and shame they felt, or were concerned about, but reported these feelings subsided over the years, and now experience close bonds with their gay fathers (1). A positive experience of growing up with a same sex attracted father was an alignment with, and commitment to, social justice and inclusion, particularly if they had seen or felt homophobia towards their parent (1).
Anecdotal evidence from Women Partners clients also underscores the emotional toll on adult children. Many expressed deep distress not only at witnessing their mother’s pain, but also at the broader impact the relationship had on her. These adult children have often borne witness to the emotional and psychological impacts their mothers experienced, which shaped their own emotional responses to their fathers in significant ways. Common responses included sadness, anger, frustration, feelings of betrayal, particularly around not being informed earlier, and their mother not being given the opportunity to be with a heterosexually attracted partner.
As a parent
Prioritise your own needs to talk, debrief, and process your thoughts and feelings away from your children and their needs. This does not mean you cannot empathise with their confusion, sadness, wishes, or distress, but it does not mean unpacking your needs or distress onto them. Find yourself a trusted friend, colleague, member of the community, or a counsellor to be your person, so that you can then be the parent you can be for your child/children. Research has shown that how you manage and support your child during periods of upheaval will influence their relationships (with you and their other parent), and potentially future relationships.
In light of this, understanding the stage your child/young person is in, and allowing for a greater understanding of what same sex attraction means, for them, their family, connections, and community is important. Giving time, space, and honest communication is vital to ensure that the relationship stays connected.
References:
1) Lytle MC, Foley PF, Aster AM. Adult Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents: Religion and the Parent-Child Relationship. CounsPsychol. 2013 May;41(4):530-567. Available form: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4250972/
2) Breshears, D., & Braithwaite, D. O. (2014).Discursive Struggles Animating Individuals’ Talk About Their Parents’ Coming Out as Lesbian or Gay. Journal of Family Communication, 14(3),189–207. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/260203749_Discursive_Struggles_Animating_Individuals'_Talk_About_Their_Parents'_Coming_Out_as_Lesbian_or_Gay
3) PFLAG. Tips for parents disclosing their sexual and gender diversity. Available from: https://www.pflagbrisbane.org.au/wp-content/uploads/docs/Lesbian%20Mums%20&%20Gay%20Dads.pdf
4) Goldberg A. Talking about Family Disclosure Practices of Adults Raised by Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Parents. 2017. Journal of Family Issues; 28(1). Available from: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/238729382_Talking_About_FamilyDisclosure_Practices_of_Adults_Raised_by_Lesbian_Gay_and_Bisexual_Parents
5) Carneiro F, Tasker F, Salinas-Quiroz F, Leal I, Costa P. Are the Fathers alright? A Systematic and Critical review of studies on Gay and Bisexual Fatherhood. 2017 (cited 2025 Jul 8). Sec. Gender, Sex and Sexualities;8.Available from: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01636/full
6) Family Equality. Coming Out. 2019(cited 2025 Jul 9). Available from: https://familyequality.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/ComingOut.pdf
7) Perlesz A, Brown R, Lindsay J, McNair R, deVause D, and Pitt M. Family in transition: parents, children and grandparents in lesbian families give meaning to ‘doing family’. Available from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2006.00345.x
Blog post cover picture designed by FreePik (https://www.freepik.com/)
