When a romantic partnership is entered into, discussions focusing on faithfulness, monogamy, and the importance of this to individuals and couples often occur. Even within relationships that practice Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship (ENMR), rules and boundaries are put in place to protect the original couple's trust, intimacy, and sexual relationship. Monogamous relationships mean that both parties are reliant on each other to meet each other’s sexual satisfaction and needs (1). Many Women Partner clients report an unsatisfactory sex life with their partners, which often can make much more sense after the disclosure or discovery of the same sex attracted behaviour.
Being romantically or sexually rejected by a partner can cause intense emotional pain, lower relationship satisfaction, increased vulnerability, hostility, insecurity, marital conflict, and sexual distress (1,2). Women report feelings of loneliness and anger, rejection, embarrassment, and frustration when faced with sexual rejection (1). Society believes that men want sex all the time, which, for a woman who is sexually rejected by her partner, can trigger rejection and anger(1). Anecdotal evidence from Women Partners counsellors highlights that many women feel that they “made their partner gay” and that there is something “wrong” with them, their femininity or sexuality. This is not accurate, as nobody can force someone’s sexuality or sexual identity to change, but many women still internalise this belief. Some communities also believe that women should be able to change their husband’s sexuality to heterosexual (3). Romantic and sexual rejection can hurt the most out of all relationship rejections because it comes from the person you most want acceptance from (2).
As highlighted by Family Planning NSW’s Flower Sexuality Model (4) below, sexuality comprises many segments that can be supported to flourish, which creates a whole, complete, and satisfied sexual identity. When one’s sexual identity is not able to be met in the majority of these petals, it can have significant impacts on one's esteem, self-worth, and sexuality.
Many of our Women Partner clients express grief at the limited sexual relationship they have had and can mourn the years they spent with someone who wasn’t sexually into them. Some women feel uncertain they will ever be in a relationship again, due to the betrayal and emotional pain they have experienced. If a couple separates during or after a woman is post menopause, this can often make sexual identity and sexuality more complex for a woman with hormonal changes, influence her sex drive, sexuality, and self-worth, which can add another barrier to her confidence in sexual expression (5). Many Women Partners clients discover their partners changing sexual identity when they are between 40 and 65 years old (Women Partners counselling client demographic data). These are often key stages when women are raising small children, or adolescents, and/or entering into menopause. All of these life events can potentially impact and suppress a woman’s sexuality, making it harder or less appealing to put herself out there to explore her sexuality again.
Some women find an opportunity to reclaim their sexual identity after their relationship has ended (6). This process of reclaiming their sexual identity can take time and can be awkward, embarrassing at times, but lots of women report it as a powerful, liberating, empowering exploration of their sexual identity, especially after years of sexual rejection or not having their sexual needs met. Some women whose partners were having sex with men, particularly talk about the happiness they get from new sexual opportunities, to be desired and embraced by a new sexual partner. It is never too late to have an opportunity to reclaim your sexual identity, and maybe the ending of your relationship may allow opportunities to explore this important side of you-it may not be every aspect of your sexuality, but potentially one or two of the sexuality petals may be enough for you (4). Remembering the importance of sexual protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections and HIV is still important, even if you do not need protection against pregnancy.
Women Partners is here to support you in navigating your pathway in reclaiming or grieving for your sexual identity.
Women Partners would like to thank the Women Partners Client Advisory Group for their support, feedback, and co-design of this invaluable resource.
Photo by David Bartus
References:
1) Kim J, Horne R, Muise A, Impett E. Development and validation of the responses to sexual rejection scale. 2019. Personality and Individual Differences; 144 pp 88-93. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.02.039
2) Kim J. Sexual Rejection in Romantic Relationships: Development, Validation, and Application of the Sexual Rejection Scale. 2015. PhD thesis. Available from:https://www.proquest.com/openview/c514ca29d61ebc6a33e666baeb887a93/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750
3) Tsang, E.Y.H.; Yueyao, F. Betrayed, Beaten, Banished: The Stigma of Being a Rural Tongqi in China. Int. J. Environ. Res.Public Health 2024, 21, 1125. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph2109112
4) Family Planning Australia. Flower Sexuality Model – Starting the Conversation. Participant Handbook.
5) Langhorne O, Thomas K. Sex After Menopause. John Hopkins Medicine. (cited 2025 Jul 2). Available from: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/how-sex-changes-after-menopause
