How to be a Women Partners support
So, you’ve found out that your sister, cousin, niece, best friend’s husband is now same-sex attracted, and you want to be the best support you can be for her, but you don’t know what the right, or worse, the wrong thing is to say. Women Partners often feel invisible in the complexity of their grief, betrayal and complexity of their relationship. They need support, loyal and unconditional support, whilst they navigate their pathway forward.
From talking to our Women Partners clients, these are some of the things they report being said to them that caused hurt and harm:
What not to say to Women Partners clients?
- How did you find out?
- How did you not know?
- Oh, I’ve always thought he was gay!
- At least you have had a partner….
- At least you have had a long marriage…
- You should let go of this already
- You should be ok by now
- It must have been so hard for him [whilst this is absolutely true, and repressed sexuality is incredibly hard and the impacts can be so detrimental, his female ex-partner may not want to hear this empathy, as she often can feel so invisible in the coming out process, and needs to feel that people are seeing her too]
How to support Women Partners and their family
What you can do and say are simple things like:
- Ask “How can I support you?”
- Ask “What would you like to talk about?”
- Do just listen to them
- Check in on them regularly
- Expect that they will repeat their narrative and story frequently
- Don’t disappear on them
- Know they are grieving, and this grief is often disenfranchised and complex [meaning that it is not widely acknowledged or recognized like the death of a loved one]
- Expect a wide variation in strong emotions from anger, sadness, resentment, invisibility, heartbreak, and love
- Do be patient with them
- Expect that their experiences will colour all experiences with other people and friendships. This betrayal can make them think – Who can I trust? Am I being manipulated? Will this happen to my daughter? Or others that I love?
- If they have young children or adolescents, check in on them too; they may be struggling to come to terms with family changes, grief and loss, and acceptance of their father’s changing sexuality
Photo by Artem Podrez
