Women Partners recognise that sexuality can change overtime, and people have the right to express their sexuality. Women Partners, however, provide support for women who are experiencing betrayal, grief and loss, and traumatic experiences as a result of their partner having sex with other men.
Finding out that your partner has been cheating on you, either physically or emotionally, can be deeply distressing, and can cause distress and a sense of betrayal. For lots of Women Partners clients, it is not the act of their husband having sex with other men that cause them the greatest distress, but the infidelity, the lies and deception, and the loss of life they held to be true. The change in sexuality is another layer to the complexity.
Many clients of Women Partners describe feeling like they are going crazy with the symptoms and reactions they have, all of which are very normal and very understandable. When something shocking or traumatic happens in one’s life, there are many normal ways in which to react.
There can be grief for the loss of relationship and partnership that you knew to be true, even if it was not a happy relationship, and these reactions can mimic that of someone who has passed away – including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These reactions do not always follow this pathway, you can feel anger and depression simultaneously, and then experience acceptance, before something triggers anger. There is no right or wrong pathway for grieving your relationship (1).
Betrayal can include breach of trust, disloyalty, lies and deception. Research shows that the closer you are to the person who has caused you betrayal, the stronger the impact on you (2). The more you love, depend upon, and trust someone, the greater the impact of their betrayal (2). Many clients report that even if their husband never had sexual contact with someone else, the flirting, emotional affairs, seeking out other partners, and engaging in another life, is what results in betrayal.
Physical symptoms, emotional and psychological symptoms can be experienced because of infidelity and betrayal (3).
Grief
The loss of a spouse—whether through death, separation, or the transformation of the relationship—can be profoundly painful. One form of loss that is rarely acknowledged is the grief experienced when a partner comes out as same-sex attracted. This often results in the end of the relationship as it was and cantrigger a unique and complex form of mourning (4).
This experience can be a form of disenfranchised grief—a grief that is not socially recognized or supported. Society may assume that because the partner is still alive, there is no “real” loss to grieve. Yet, for many Women Partners, the grief is real.
It can include:
· Grief for losing the heterosexual partnership
· Grief for the relationship as it once existed, including shared dreams, intimacy, and expectations.
· Grief for the imagined future—the life that was envisioned but will now never be lived.
Because this kind of grief doesn't fit the conventional narratives, women may feel isolated and unsupported. They may question the validity of their emotions, or find others dismissing their pain. This can cause the grief to become complicated and prolonged, making it harder to process and move through (4).
Without acknowledgment or community, many feel “stuck” in their grief—carrying the weight of loss in silence. Naming it as disenfranchised grief is a first step toward healing: it allows women to validate their experience, seek understanding, and move toward recovery with the compassion and support they deserve.
Physical symptoms can include:
· Insomnia (either not being able to fall asleep, or not being able to stay asleep)
· lack of appetite and weight loss
· difficulty concentrating
· difficulty breathing
· body tremors sensation of heart racing
· constantly crying
Emotional and psychological impacts can include:
· anger and rage
· devastation
· disbelief
· insecurity
· rejection
· fear
· betrayal
· paranoia
· depression
· loneliness
· confusion
· humiliation
· envy and resentment
· self-blame
· intrusive thoughts, images, and memories
How can you look after yourself during times of distress?
Compassionate self-care, during a time of high distress and pain is very important. Let’s break this idea down into the two separate parts it has – self compassion and self-care. They are separate yet work together. Self-compassion understands that we as humans all feel pain, sadness and distress (5). Self-compassion recognises that we all deserve kindness when we’re struggling (5). Sometimes in deep betrayal, we aren’t able to reach out for support to others, and so giving ourselves self-kindness is even more important. When trying to incorporate self-compassion into your life, ask yourself“ How would I respond to this situation if it was a loved one experiencing this?” and then apply the same kindness, empathy and nurture to yourself, as you would your loved one (5).
Self-care is about looking after all of you – physical, spiritual, emotional, connection, body and mind. When in times of emotional distress, it becomes easy to not pay attention to our needs, as we are often so busy just surviving. Self-care will not always immediately reduce our suffering, but it can help increase our internal strength and ability to manage the pain we are feeling. This self-care wheel looks at the many levels of self-care that can make it easier to practicing something small, each day, from each segment (6).
Counselling may not be available, or a priority to you, but for many women, turning to psychological support including counselling, can be a very important part of the healing journey. Women Partners is here to help you, if you feel this the right step, at the right time for you. Should you not live in New South Wales, Women Partners can help navigate you to an organisation that may be able to help meet your needs.
References:
1) Fisher, J. 5 stages of grief: Coping with the loss of a loved one. 2023 (cited 2024 Oct 2). Available from:https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one
2) P.J. Birrell, R.E. Bernstein, J.J. Freyd. Chapter 3 - With the Fierce and Loving Embrace of Another Soul: Finding Connection and Meaning After the Profound Disconnection of Betrayal Trauma In Reconstructing Meaning After Trauma. 2017; Academic Press (pp 29-4). Available from: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/B9780128030158000036
3) Rokach A, Chan SH. Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2023; 20(5):3904. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904
4) Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress. When Loss of Loved Ones are Not Acknowledged – Understanding Disenfranchised Grief. Uniformed Services University; Department of Psychiatry. (cited 2025 Aug).Available from: https://www.cstsonline.org/assets/media/documents/CSTS_FS_When_Losses_of_Loved_Ones_Are_Not_Acknowledged_Understanding_Disenfranchised_Grief.pdf
5) Neff, K. Self Compassion. 2024 (cited 2024 Oct2). Available from: https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
6) Griffith University. Looking after yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. (cited 2024 Oct 2). Available from:https://www.griffith.edu.au/engage/professional-learning/content-centre/looking-after-yourself-is-the-best-gift-you-can-give-yourself
