Lots of Women Partners clients talk about having an ongoing sense that something doesn’t add up in their relationship, and when they find out about their partner’s sexuality, things start to make sense. Red flags in a relationship can be a warning, or a signal that everything is not as it seems (1). These Red Flags are taken from lived experience from Women Partners clients, both current and from commonalities from the published Women Partners’ book “There’s something I have to tell you” (2).
This is not a full list of Red Flags that may occur in a relationship if the husband’s sexual identity or sexual behaviour is changing to same sex attracted. Your relationship is unique, as are the red flags you may see. Nor does this list mean that if your partner is engaging in this behaviour, that he is gay or having sex with other men.
1. He is homophobic. Often, if someone is not comfortable with their own sexuality or sexual identity, they can express this with disgust and hatred to those who are comfortable with their sexuality. This does not mean that everyone who is homophobic is gay themselves, but for some people, it can be a red flag that they are not comfortable with their own sexuality.
2. Secretive behaviour: If you once had access to his phone or password and that access was quietly revoked without any conversation, this shift toward secrecy could be a red flag. Similarly, noticing that his search history is consistently cleared, could be a red flag. If you also find yourself repeatedly catching him in small lies or deceptive behaviour, these patterns can be worth having a conversation about.
3. Watching gay porn and is not able or willing to discuss this with you, this may be a red flag.
4. Active avoidance of intimate or sexual connection with you – going to bed early or pretending to go to sleep when you come in, getting up early in the morning before you are awake, or making up excuses for not having sex with you.
5. Different schedule to you – getting up early or staying up late to provide an opportunity for him to explore his sexuality, which could allow him to talk to people on Grindr or male hook-up sites or watch gay pornography.
6. He subtly flirts with other men, much like heterosexual men would flirt with women, admires males' physical attributes and physique and does not react in an equal manner to women’s physical attributes and physiques
7. He has an endless list of new male friends or spends quality time with one man in particular. Friendship between men does not equate to same sex attraction; however, in the experiences of Women Partners, the combination of these experiences sometimes can be Red Flags Impact on you – your gut instinct tells you that something is not right, but you can’t explain it.
8. You worry he is having an affair with another woman
9. Unexplained health issues for yourself, such as migraines, stomach issues and nausea without a clear medical reason. These physical symptoms can be a physical reaction to the relationship stress and the gut instinct telling you something is amiss
10. When you try to have a conversation about what you have noticed or are concerned about, you are constantly told “it is nothing”, “you are overreacting”, the conversations are shut down, or you feel like you’re being gaslighted, and your gut is telling you something is wrong
It’s important to note that there can be many reasons for Red Flag behaviour, and sometimes the partner is not aware of how their behaviour is being interpreted. Red Flags by themselves, or even the presence of several, do not always equal same sex attraction or infidelity; however ,they may be cause for reflection, and, if it feels safe to do so, an open conversation with your partner about what you’ve noticed and how you’re feeling.
These Red Flags are presented here to help Women Partners clients reconnect with and regain trust in their instincts that something feels off in their relationship. Whilst it may be the changing sexuality of their partner, or something else, honouring your intuition is an important act of self-trust and self-care.
Women Partners would like to thank the Women Partners Clien tAdvisory Group for their support, feedback, and co-design of this invaluable resource.
References:
1) Merriam Dictionary. Red Flags. 2024 (cited 17Dec 2024). Available from:https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/red-flag
2) Women Partners of Men who have Sex with Men. His Secret, Her Story. Available from: https://www.womenpartners.org.au/information-centre/theres-something-i-have-to-tell-you
Blog image: Photo by Emre Aslıhak
