Normal reactions to discovery of husband’s behaviour

Women Partners clients are often in long term relationships where the woman believes her husband to be attracted to women, and faithful to their relationship. Finding out their husband or partner is now gay identifying, bi-sexual or non-gay identifying but engaging in same sex sexual activity, alongside possible affairs, can be emotionally traumatic and devasting for many women. 

Many women feel betrayed by their partner, and that the lives they knew and trusted in, are no longer.

What clients most often feel in discovering their husband’s changing sexual identity, is a sense of betrayal and broken trust. Trust, which is the foundation for a happy relationship, means being confident that you can put yourself someone’s care and you will be kept safe.  Which, for many clients, is the opposite experience they have, in discovering their partner’s changing sexuality. Often this change comes with lies, deceit, dishonesty and disloyalty, which results in broken trust and betrayal (1, 2). 

This betrayal can cause clients a long-lasting inability to trust themselves, partners or loved ones. Some Women Partners report that this inability to trust others makes them feel they will not have future relationships and as they do not know how to recover that ability to trust men.

Managing the shock and betrayal can be incredibly difficult, and impacts can include shock, grief and loss, constantly thinking about it, anger and lowered self-esteem and increased self-doubt (2). Whilst shock, breakdown of relationship, concern for children (if present), financial uncertainty, and loss of identity as wife and partner, are common experiences for many women where infidelity has occurred (2,3), the specific impact of partners change in sexuality or sexual behaviour is very specific to Women Partners. Beliefs around sexuality, sexual identity and changes within this can be confronting. Fear of rejection, fear of shame and societal stigma, social isolation or rejection from conservative or religious communities and networks are very common fears for Women Partners clients (2,3).

Many of our clients do not feel able to talk to their loved ones about their experience, which can lead to isolation and loneliness (3). Many women have told the Women Partners counsellors, that they are the only people who know about their lived experience. Women Partners run support groups for clients, and many clients find the process of meeting other women who have similar experiences to be a rewarding and normalising experience.

Finding out about your partner’s same sex behaviour and attraction, can also make women question their own sexuality, and sexual identity, and their need for sexual intimacy and connection. Many Women Partners clients have questioned their ability to remain in a marriage with their partner. Some have explored open relationships, their husband’s refraining from same sex activities, or separation/ divorce, or a variation of all possibilities (3). All of these are understandable possibilities, and ultimately the decision on future of relationships, rests with the individual woman who knows her life the best.

Women Partners are here to help you on this journey you have been put into, and however that journey look for you, Women Partners will provide judgement free, confidential and empowering counselling and support.

You can read more here on how Women Partners can support you with your normal reactions. Contact Us if you would like support.

References:

1)      Merriam Webster dictionary. Trust. 2024 (cited 2024 July 30). Available from:  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust

2)      Rachman S. Betrayal: A psychological analysis. 2010 (cited 2024 July 30). Behaviour Research and Therapy; 48(4) pp. 304-311. Available from: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005796709002848

3)      Daly SC, MacNeela P, Sarma KM. The female spouse: A process of separation when a husband ’comes out’ as gay. 2018 (cited 2024 July 30). PLoS ONE 13(8). Available from: https://doi.org/10.1371/journal. pone.020347